“Aren’t
you going in?”
Ella asked me
after she came
out of the room. I
didn’t miss the sympathy
on her face when
I shook my head.
She sighed, nodded in
understanding and sat
beside me.
“It’ll
be over, you
know?” Those words made my
eyes filled with
tears for what felt like
the millionth time
that day. “But
there’s two ways
for it to
end,” I would’ve
been embarrassed for
choking on my
words, but this was
completely a different
situation. Everybody was allowed
to have a
breakdown here.
Ella,
who realized her
bad choice of
words, cursed silently
and sighed. She
then continued to
soothed my back.
Negative thoughts crossed
my mind made
me feel hopeless
and cried harder
for my husband.
Yes, my husband.
He
was in that
very room specifically
called the Intensive
Care Unit (ICU),
battling for his
life. And it
was all because
of me. It
was my fault.
I was too
stubborn that it cost
my husband’s life.
If only
I could
turned back time.
If only I
could trade places
with him. If
only life was
on sale. If only…
But
it was impossible.
Then again, the
blame was on
me. He was
just being the
perfect husband he
was.
I
was at work
when the hospital
called me, or Ella,
to be specific,
since I was in
a meeting at
that time. My
heart fell when
I heard the
news. Not only
I, was the
cause of this, I also
didn’t hear the
bad news myself.
Ella
offered to drive
for me as
I was not
in a good
condition to drive,
but clearly I
blocked my hearing
because I rushed
to the driver
seat and Ella
took the passenger
seat, not wanting
to argue with
me. I picked
up my son
from home then
raced to the
hospital, ignoring my
son’s questions, El’s
protest and the
traffic lights.
I
let Ella took
over the car
to find parking
spot whilst my
son and I rushed to
the emergency room
where my husband
was. I was
going to bombard
the doctor with
questions when he
came out, but
he beat me
to it, “We
cannot guarantee you
the outcome, yet,
ma’am. We’ll do
our best to
help him out
of this mess. The
heart attack was
quite severe and
he’s got internal
bleeding in his head
and stomach. We
have to wait
sometime to operate him.”
That
made me dropped
on my knees,
my chest hurt
as if there was
hundreds of needles piercing through
it. And then, I
found myself crying
in the arms
of my son,
who was also
crying, though silently.
That
morning, Ren had
told me to
work from home
because he didn’t
want to be alone.
It was weird
to see him
acted like that,
but I shrugged it
off and refused
the idea because
I had to
attend an important
meeting. He also tried
to let my
son skipped school
to accompany him
at home, but
I didn’t let
him because Carson
was already absent
earlier that week
due to flu.
He
tried to coerce
me into giving
in but I had none
of it. Carson
was not going
to missed another
day full of
lessons. He took
forever to catch
up with his
school work.
I
cried harder remembering
that morning. I
should’ve listened to
him. He was
my husband! I
chose my career
than the one
who I claimed
to be the love
of my life! How much
more selfish could
I be?!? I
should be tormented
as I was at
fault. My husband’s
heart attack never
was this severe
and it happened
rarely. The paramedic
assumed that the
internal bleeding was
because he fell
from the stairs.
It was halfway
through the second
week at the
hospital when the
doctor was finally
able to stop
the internal bleeding
in both places.
Though the doctor
had warned me
that Ren wouldn’t
be awake just
yet, I couldn’t
help but worried
about his condition.
His face looked
like an old
man in just
fourteen days.
I
tried to be
the strong woman
Ren always called
me when he had
to stayed at the
hospital before. I
ushered the unwanted
thoughts away and
keep praying for
his health. For
his life. He
did show some
signs to let
us knew that
he was there
by moving his
fingers lightly though
he was still
unconscious. The action
wasn’t that visible,
but it couldn’t
go unnoticed.
My
son and I
were able to
keep ourselves together
by the fourth
week, and we
were also considered
as strong, because
on Wednesday morning,
Ren took his
last breath.
We
cried silently as
we took turns
kissing his forehead
before letting him
go completely to
the unknown world,
where he would
be going after
leaving everything, including
his life on
earth.
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