“Aren’t you going in?” Ella asked me after she came out of the room. I didn’t miss the sympathy on her face when I shook my head. She sighed, nodded in understanding and sat beside me.
“It’ll be over, you know?” Those words made my eyes filled with tears for what felt like the millionth time that day. “But there’s two ways for it to end,” I would’ve been embarrassed for choking on my words, but this was completely a different situation. Everybody was allowed to have a breakdown here.
Ella, who realized her bad choice of words, cursed silently and sighed. She then continued to soothed my back. Negative thoughts crossed my mind made me feel hopeless and cried harder for my husband.
Yes, my husband.
He was in that very room specifically called the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), battling for his life. And it was all because of me. It was my fault. I was too stubborn that it cost my husband’s life.
If only I could turned back time. If only I could trade places with him. If only life was on sale. If only…
But it was impossible. Then again, the blame was on me. He was just being the perfect husband he was.
I was at work when the hospital called me, or Ella, to be specific, since I was in a meeting at that time. My heart fell when I heard the news. Not only I, was the cause of this, I also didn’t hear the bad news myself.
Ella offered to drive for me as I was not in a good condition to drive, but clearly I blocked my hearing because I rushed to the driver seat and Ella took the passenger seat, not wanting to argue with me. I picked up my son from home then raced to the hospital, ignoring my son’s questions, El’s protest and the traffic lights.
I let Ella took over the car to find parking spot whilst my son and I rushed to the emergency room where my husband was. I was going to bombard the doctor with questions when he came out, but he beat me to it, “We cannot guarantee you the outcome, yet, ma’am. We’ll do our best to help him out of this mess. The heart attack was quite severe and he’s got internal bleeding in his head and stomach. We have to wait sometime to operate him.”
That made me dropped on my knees, my chest hurt as if there was hundreds of needles piercing through it. And then, I found myself crying in the arms of my son, who was also crying, though silently.
That morning, Ren had told me to work from home because he didn’t want to be alone. It was weird to see him acted like that, but I shrugged it off and refused the idea because I had to attend an important meeting. He also tried to let my son skipped school to accompany him at home, but I didn’t let him because Carson was already absent earlier that week due to flu.
He tried to coerce me into giving in but I had none of it. Carson was not going to missed another day full of lessons. He took forever to catch up with his school work.
I cried harder remembering that morning. I should’ve listened to him. He was my husband! I chose my career than the one who I claimed to be the love of my life! How much more selfish could I be?!? I should be tormented as I was at fault. My husband’s heart attack never was this severe and it happened rarely. The paramedic assumed that the internal bleeding was because he fell from the stairs.
It was halfway through the second week at the hospital when the doctor was finally able to stop the internal bleeding in both places. Though the doctor had warned me that Ren wouldn’t be awake just yet, I couldn’t help but worried about his condition. His face looked like an old man in just fourteen days.
I tried to be the strong woman Ren always called me when he had to stayed at the hospital before. I ushered the unwanted thoughts away and keep praying for his health. For his life. He did show some signs to let us knew that he was there by moving his fingers lightly though he was still unconscious. The action wasn’t that visible, but it couldn’t go unnoticed.
My son and I were able to keep ourselves together by the fourth week, and we were also considered as strong, because on Wednesday morning, Ren took his last breath.
We cried silently as we took turns kissing his forehead before letting him go completely to the unknown world, where he would be going after leaving everything, including his life on earth.